By Shirley Cambray:

I didn’t want to leave my owners but they moved from the farm to a high-rise apartment in Toronto.  Not the life for me.  They were kind and took me to the park every day to exercise in the dog run, but one day I’d had enough and I just kept running.  Not a clue where I was going.  Then I met Dewey and Max and I’ve lived with them on the streets ever since.

We’re a family and usually travel together.  Dewey is what they call a mutt and Max seems to be a cross between a Boxer and  a Great Dane – he’s really big.  My owners named me Tucker and I’m OK with that.  They told me I have a pedigree and I’d cost them a lot of money.  That may be so, but Dewey and Max are not impressed, they say I’m just a runt and nothing special.

Today I decide to be on my own and investigate a different part of town.  I’ve learned not to take any food out of a human’s hand, but today I just can’t resist a piece of juicy meat, and now here I am, held tight by my collar and I can’t get away.  This guy takes me to his girl friend’s place, where they brush and shampoo me with lots of smelly stuff.  He tells me I’m his gift to her for Valentine’s Day.  What does he think I am – a box of chocolates?

It seems the girl lives with her mother who hates animals.  She’ll have to hide me in her closet and weasel her mother into letting me stay.  Don’t do me any favours cupcake, I don’t want to live here, all my friends are in the street.  Just open the door, I’ll find my way out.

Without any warning, she pushes me into this dark closet on top of stinky shoes.  I’m all wrapped up in some glitzy, perfumee thing and when I pull it loose it comes off the hanger.  The more I struggle, the more things land on the floor and I’m having trouble breathing.

Finally the girl comes to get me, it seems the ‘mother-who-must-be-obeyed’  has arrived.

Yikes, the mother takes one look at me and lets out an ear-splitting scream.  Her voice vibrates the room like a wailing banshee playing an out-of-tune fiddle.  She shouts something about having told her daughter once, or was it a million times, she hates animals.  She calls me a hairy fleabag and says if I don’t get out of her clean apartment she’ll drown me in her bathtub.

What’s that!  Drown me in a bathtub?  I gotta get out of here ‘toot d sweet’, as they say.

Now what do I do?  Ah yes, my usual trick comes to mind.  Because I’m a little guy people think my choppers aren’t very strong, but when I latch onto your Achilles, you’ll yell for mercy then. Yahoo! It’s freedom for me.

Hooray, it’s working.  I’m clamping down on the old girl’s heel really hard and you wouldn’t believe the language coming out of her, it’s turning the air blue.  What terrible words to use in front of her daughter.  I’m used to pub talk but this is too much, my hair’s practically standing on end.

OK, I’ve had enough of this strange family – time to look for a way out.

Good, the daughter’s opened the door.  I’m in the hall… Where are the stairs?

Oh, better still, the elevator’s going down, I’ll hop in.  My lucky day after all, the people are smiling.  They think I’m just going out for the usual call of nature.  Yes, good idea, I’ll do that, I’ll be able to run faster on an empty bladder.

Well, now where am I?  Don’t think I’ve been in this part of the town before.  Guess I’ll just follow my nose.  When I smell restaurant food I’ll know I’m headed in the right direction.

Hope the guys are still hanging out, they’ll never believe the adventure I’ve had.  I should have given that clueless boyfriend some advice, like move the girl friend into her own apartment and then give her a cuddly pet.  Not me, of course.

Man, this is a long walk.  But, places are starting to look familiar.  Yeah right, there’s Casey’s Pub.  Better stay away from there, some drunks have a weird sense of humour.  When they’re sloshed they think it’s a big joke to give four-legged citizens the end of their foot.

Oh great, there are Max and Dewey.  Hi guys, are you glad to see me? I’ve had quite an experience, do you want to hear about it?  Did you miss me?

All right, so you don’t want to hear about it.  You miserable twerps.

What do you mean, I stink and you’d be glad to miss me- do I smell like old shoes?

Worse than that, they say.  I’ve got that ‘o dee colonee’ perfumee smell.  According to Dewey and Max, all I need is a funny haircut and I’ll look like one of those dogs that has a diamond-studded collar and bows in its hair.  Talk about hurting a guy’s feelings.

Well, fellers, that’s why I want to tell you my story.  Come on, give me a chance to tell you about my adventure in the other part of town?

OK, so  you guys are only interested in finding something to eat.  I guess I am too, so where do we go next?   You lead the way Max.

Whoa, look out, we have a problem.  Boots with nets and poles are headed this way.  Quick, run, there’s the junkyard, get under the fence.  I can make it, can you Dewey?  Oh good you’re here.  Where’s Max?

Oh, I see him.  I guess the big guy couldn’t get under so he’s running around the fence.

If he doesn’t get caught he’ll probably meet us at the other side.  We’d better hide under this old truck.  Flatten down – the flashlights are shining this way.

Oh no, the Boots have caught Max, and they’re trying to push him into the van.  Good, Max is too big for them, he’s free now and headed  towards the restaurants.  When the road is clear we’ll make our way down there, he’ll probably be behind the Sub Shop.

As you know Dewey, I can run and talk at the same time so I’ll tell you about being in this apartment.  It really was a near-death experience.  You see, they had a bathtub and ………… uh, oh, am I looking at two pairs of big, shiny black boots?  Please tell me it’s a only bad dream.

But it’s not a dream, the Boots are speaking.  “Fun time is over, you scruffy delinquents, it’s time to take you back to your not-so-favourite lock up.”

Take us to the lock up?  Not likely.   We’ve been there and it was awful, couldn’t get a decent night’s sleep.  Remember Dewey, back then our chance to cut free came when they tried to transfer us to another holding pen.  We found out that when three smart dogs run in three different directions the Boots end up chasing each other.

So, listen up Dewey, now is the time to go into our latest routine.  Are you ready?  It’s you to the left, me to the right and then we cross over, and kick into high gear.  It confuses the Boots every time, and outrunning them is never a problem.

Hooray, it’s worked again, and look there’s Max.  I wonder where he got that delicious-looking bone.  Hey Max, wait for us.